Wrestling Through the Proof

The overwhelming emotion from the night before is lighter. Sleep has a way of softening us. Meeting eyes. Last nights eyes filled with anger, self-preservation, and hurt are softer after a night of sleep, now gentler, able to see what is truly in front of her.

orange fall tree

We hug, an embrace neither of us want to let go. I hold tighter. Praying the love from my heart will penetrate her‘s. Fill her emptiness. Fill the hurt places. Fill the untrusting places. I won’t be the first to let go. This time she’ll leave my embrace confident of my love. Last night’s hurting words just a memory. A forgiven memory. No longer stinging but lingering. Longing for healing.

Oh, girl, that you would know the depth of my love. That you would know the tears cried. That you would know the prayers uttered on your behalf. That you would know the longing for you before you even existed. That you would know that what you seek from me will never be enough. That it’s the eternal love of the Father that your soul is longing for.

Whether adopted at birth or later into childhood, it seems that children must wrestle with accepting the love of their adoptive parents. They must learn to trust. It’s not a given but instead it’s a working out, a wrestle to determine that although their basic needs were not met by the ones who were supposed to meet those needs, nonetheless, their needs are being provided for.

Our children have never once lived a day on this earth without their needs being met. They have always had enough. Enough food, enough water, enough warmth, enough cleanliness. When their little cries were heard, their needs were met.

Yet, there is a need. A need to prove they are safe. A need to prove their family can be trusted. A need to prove they have enough.

It’s the same wrestling I have done for years with the Lord.

He tells me, “He is the bread of life and if I just come to Him, I will not be hungry.” John 6:35. And my response is, “Prove it.”

He tells me, “You were chosen by me before the creation of the world.” Ephesians 1:4. My response is, “Prove it.”

He tells me, “I loved you first, even while you were still sinning.” Romans 5:8 and 1 John 4:19. And, again, my response is, “Prove it.”

Finally, I feel her shoulders start to drop, pull back slightly. I hold on. And then take a step back, look her in the eye and plead, “Just trust me. I am for you. My love is never-ending.”

Just as Jesus through His Word and through His Spirit pleads with me, reminds me, brings me back to, “Just trust me. Trust me. I am for you, not against you. Just trust me.”

jeff, me and mikayla at lake chelan

 

3 thoughts on “Wrestling Through the Proof

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