Over the years, I have acquired two titles that make me a leader over others: teacher and mom. Both of those titles carry with them the idea that the leader may know more than the ones they are leading. Somewhere along the lines, I began living like I needed to have it all figured out. My growth was stunted and I actually became stuck. Not truly open to new learning or stretching, I plugged along, feeling discouraged.
From the outside, I appeared to be interested in strengthening my faith. I would attend church, read Christian books, listen to sermons, pray, and attend Bible studies. Some teaching would resonate in my heart but it did not evoke action on my part. I remained like a new believer in my faith. “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” 1 Corinthian 13:11. The only problem was, I wasn’t “putting the ways of childhood behind me”.
Pride was the ugly enemy causing my fall. Truly ugly. Pride is an embarrassing quality to confess. Pride kept me from confessing my pride. Who wants to admit to “having an excessively high opinion of oneself or one’s importance”. The truth was that I was surrounded by God’s truth, yet I was still walking in my own strength and taking my own path. Pride.
But, God interrupted that cycle. The interruption came when exactly one week before my scheduled kidney transplant, the doctor called to cancel the surgery. As Christians, we often hear and use the phrase, “God closed the door.” This disruption came as a slammed door. My whole life had been centered around having that surgery. The testing process took about a year and literally required close to 100 appointments. In my mind, everything was lining up and the kidney transplant was the next step for me. My kidneys were slowly declining, I had a kidney donor all lined up, and the doctor said it was time to take the next step and have a transplant. But, then the interruption. It came in the form of melanoma on my foot and the resulting phone call, “you must be cancer free for 2 years and then we can resume testing for a kidney transplant.”
The Lord gained my attention and ultimately took my focus off myself by a mighty work of His Sovereignty. Suddenly, I witnessed His power first hand. Prior to this experience, I had many testimonies about God working in my life, but none as powerful as the time when He stamped His Sovereignty on my heart. The chains of pride were crushed and I stood in awe of my Creator. There was brief shock and sorrow, followed by excitement and wonder.
What would He do next? One thing I knew, I wasn’t going to be plugging along, stuck in my childlike ways. No, the powerful God of the Universe shook my life up and created a hunger in me. I yearned for more of Him. Small and dependent is where I stood next to the Almighty. I was like the believers Peter wrote about, “Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation.” I Peter 2:2.
My hope and prayer is this blog might reach another person on this path with me. Finally my heart is opening up and God is creating security in me to be able to face where I am really at in my walk with Him. I have been a believer for 18 years but am just recently becoming soft enough to truly hear from Him and follow Him. Is that where you are? Or, is that what you desire? Maybe we can encourage each other. “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:24-25.