A Diagnosis Changed Everything—Our Adoption Story Part 1

In honor of National Adoption Month, my friend at Rich Faith Rising is sharing real life adoption stories. I was honored to share our story. Be sure to hop over to Rich Faith Rising to read inspirational adoption stories.

Oh, I was certain I was ready to be a parent. I began babysitting as soon as the neighbors allowed me to watch their children. I had worked at daycares and preschools. I had my own classroom in a public school for 6 years at that point. I was ready!

Oh, the naivety. Oh, the denial. Oh, the trust from the Father!

Shortly after getting married, my husband and I learned that it would be incredibly risky for me to get pregnant due to an ultra-rare blood disease I have called, aHUS (atypical Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome).

I wasn’t very surprised that the doctor strongly suggested considering other methods to become parents, but it still felt very final and heartbreaking all at the same time.

I wasn’t raised to give up, so I immediately began considering different possibilities. Surrogacy, adoption, fostering? My husband wasn’t ready yet. He needed time to process that our story was not going to be the typical story of getting married, soon after getting pregnant, and then having babies.

It didn’t take long though and after about a month he was ready to talk about it again. I can remember we were driving home from our one year wedding anniversary vacation, a road trip to Glacier National Park in Montana. We were almost home and I said, “Just think a birth mom could be pregnant right now with our baby!” Little did we know, she was!

Through divine intervention we learned that a good friend of ours had an uncle that was a well-known adoption attorney in Seattle. We were told we could have a free consultation appointment with him. We wrote down all of our questions and went to meet him. He explained the differences between independent adoption and adopting through an agency.

My husband would say I have always had too much energy and focus so the independent route sounded perfect for us because it would keep me busy! We would create our own website, business cards, posters, and profile with a photo album to get the word out to birth moms that we were ready to adopt.

We completed our home study with a social worker and on December 23rd 2004, we were all signed off and ready to fully commence our search. Everyday I tried to leave a business card someplace with our contact information. We received several calls from birth moms considering placing their unborn babies for adoption. Each time my hopes soared! One birth mom even told us we were the ones she had chosen, only to never hear from her again. I am not going to lie, this was devastating. And not proudly, I instantly began to doubt God’s plans for us.

After that fail, it was literally 2 weeks later we learned about a lovely birth mom that wanted to meet us that coming weekend. We learned that their had been drug use during the pregnancy. We also learned that the birth mom had a previous child two years prior that had many problems at birth as well as a definite birth mark. We had said to ourselves that due to my health condition, we would not be adopting a special needs child and this included any babies who were impacted by drugs and alcohol. So why were we both drawn to this unborn baby immediately? Because she was to be ours! We went to meet the birth mom and one week later, less than 5 months after completing our home study, our baby was born!

She was perfect. The nurses gave her a 10 on the Apgar test and claimed they never do that! But this one was perfect. My husband and I could not take our eyes off her. We stared at her in the hospital. We took turns staring at her on the drive home. And, then we stared at her once we got her home.

This perfect baby of ours cried a lot. There was little that consoled her except getting out of the house and moving aorund. She loved being in the front pack and being on the move. She absolutely would not sleep without cuddling, swaddling, and rocking for hours. She was so unlike my friend’s baby whom I had taken care of for months. My friend’s baby would sleep any where. The car, the couch, the stroller, the floor! Literally anywhere. My baby would not sleep. She could not shut out the world.

Looking back, I was in denial. She was very healthy. She was born full-term. All of her fingers, toes, and organs were fully developed. But, this inability to self-soothe and prolonged crying was not normal. Looking back, I wish we had sought help from a doctor who specialized in adoption. I wish I had been able to look at her and trust that God would help her and us and not just deny the problems.

But, God is so very faithful.

Little by little, as we’ve grown in our walk with the Lord, we’ve been able to look more humbly at our need for help. We’ve been able to accept our daughter’s imperfections as well as our own. The Lord continually shows us that we are the perfect parents for our daughter and she is the perfect child for us.

Nothing has grown my faith and trust in the Father and nothing has yielded fruit as much as parenting my children has.

What I Learned in October

Psalm 25:4-5, Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.October path
What We Are Reading:
The Child’s Story Bible by Catherine F. Vos
The Story of the World Volume 1
The Aesop for Children by Milo Winter
The Pond People by Clara Dillingham Pierson
Tales from Shakespeare by Charles Lamb and Mary Lamb
Indescribable: 100 Devotions abut God and Science by Louie Giglio
Squanto Friend of the Pilgrims by Clyde Robert Bulla
Don’t let this list intimidate. We usually just read one chapter a day. Slowly reading the books, narrating back the reading for the day, and short discussions, have richly enhanced our learning.
Living Education
Philippians 4:8: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
I am new to Charlotte Mason. Well, this is not entirely true. The first friend to take the time to sit me down and explain how she homeschooled her children explained Charlotte Mason and her methods to me. But, I am new to understanding and taking hold of the philosophy of Charlotte Mason.
Upon hearing about Charlotte Mason, I was immediately drawn to the idea. Being a lover of the written word and high quality literature, I was hooked.
But, just as the seed in Mark 4 became choked out by thorns, my instant draw to the lovely way to educate according to Charlotte Mason became choked out by the idea that I needed to do more. Longer lessons. Complete more. Produce, produce, produce.
Charlotte Mason was a 19th century educator who believed in using Living Books (books said to be inspired by the Holy Spirit) in order to educate the whole child. There is much more to learn about Charlotte Mason and you could begin here: Simply Charlotte Mason if you would like to learn more.
This Charlotte Mason philosophy brings me a sense of freedom and peace in educating my girls.
Rather than working against the natural way in which my children and I were created, we are now working our way back to the way in which we were designed to learn and live.
We are reading and learning from Living Books. We are spending regular time observing and learning in nature. We are learning and practicing the skill of narration: retelling stories or portions of literature from memory.  We are looking at art and reading poetry.
I am lessening my words with each passing day and allowing my children to process, think, create images, connect ideas and be led by the Spirit.
We are filling our minds with the lovely. We are dwelling on beautiful ideas. We are keeping our lessons short and we are wanting more. We are being led by the Spirit and our homeschool is alive again.
Nature Study
Nature study is one of my most favorite parts of the week. We get outside. We use all of our senses. We observe. We learn. We laugh. We get excited about the beauty of the Lord all around us.
We are using the book, Exploring Nature with Children to help focus our learning. This book has a weekly nature walk activity, a nature journal activity, a poem, and a piece of artwork to study.
Enjoy our photos of our nature study.
What did you learn this month? What books are you reading? Please share your learning in the comments! I’d love to read it!

Wrestling Through the Proof

The overwhelming emotion from the night before is lighter. Sleep has a way of softening us. Meeting eyes. Last nights eyes filled with anger, self-preservation, and hurt are softer after a night of sleep, now gentler, able to see what is truly in front of her.

orange fall tree

We hug, an embrace neither of us want to let go. I hold tighter. Praying the love from my heart will penetrate her‘s. Fill her emptiness. Fill the hurt places. Fill the untrusting places. I won’t be the first to let go. This time she’ll leave my embrace confident of my love. Last night’s hurting words just a memory. A forgiven memory. No longer stinging but lingering. Longing for healing.

Oh, girl, that you would know the depth of my love. That you would know the tears cried. That you would know the prayers uttered on your behalf. That you would know the longing for you before you even existed. That you would know that what you seek from me will never be enough. That it’s the eternal love of the Father that your soul is longing for.

Whether adopted at birth or later into childhood, it seems that children must wrestle with accepting the love of their adoptive parents. They must learn to trust. It’s not a given but instead it’s a working out, a wrestle to determine that although their basic needs were not met by the ones who were supposed to meet those needs, nonetheless, their needs are being provided for.

Our children have never once lived a day on this earth without their needs being met. They have always had enough. Enough food, enough water, enough warmth, enough cleanliness. When their little cries were heard, their needs were met.

Yet, there is a need. A need to prove they are safe. A need to prove their family can be trusted. A need to prove they have enough.

It’s the same wrestling I have done for years with the Lord.

He tells me, “He is the bread of life and if I just come to Him, I will not be hungry.” John 6:35. And my response is, “Prove it.”

He tells me, “You were chosen by me before the creation of the world.” Ephesians 1:4. My response is, “Prove it.”

He tells me, “I loved you first, even while you were still sinning.” Romans 5:8 and 1 John 4:19. And, again, my response is, “Prove it.”

Finally, I feel her shoulders start to drop, pull back slightly. I hold on. And then take a step back, look her in the eye and plead, “Just trust me. I am for you. My love is never-ending.”

Just as Jesus through His Word and through His Spirit pleads with me, reminds me, brings me back to, “Just trust me. Trust me. I am for you, not against you. Just trust me.”

jeff, me and mikayla at lake chelan

 

From Pity to Gratitude

Groggy, quiet, and contemplative I enter my prayer closet this morning. Holding my hot coffee in one hand, I open the closet door with the other hand. Upon opening the door, I am filled with defeat from a night of tossing and turning with doubt and hopelessness.  Yet at the same time, I remember Hopeful Expectation, the promise the Lord keeps whispering.

tunnel opening

I enter the closet, overcome with envy, self-pity, and discouragement. Envy over the moms who have children that can get themselves ready in the morning. Envy over the children who got ideal starts in this world. Envy over kids who are able to hold two thoughts in their minds and complete those tasks. Pity for myself for the elaborate measures I take to help my kids follow simple routines. Discouragement over the lack of progress seen.

Stepping into the closet and then plopping down on my pillow, I begin my seeking. Matthew 7: 7, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”  

I come filled with ugliness, but seek the Beautiful One. I come filled with doubt, but seek the One filled with answers. I come full of myself  but leave filled with His Spirit.

As I begin my study and prayer time, I am reminded of how Jesus taught the disciples to pray in Matthew 6:

This, then, is how you should pray:

‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
 on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
 And forgive us our debts,
 as we also have forgiven our debtors.
 And lead us not into temptation,
 but deliver us from the evil one.’

 

I remember my Father in heaven who leans in to listen to me, who meets me there before I even awake. I remember my need for Him and His ability alone to meet my daily needs. I remember His heart to forgive me (even my stinking pity party) and my need to forgive all those around me. I remember to seek Him to deliver me away from the temptation of self-pity.

This morning, He changed my pity into gratitude. This morning, I entered my time with the Lord covered with stains. This morning, I left my time time with the Lord with one last whisper, “Lord, that I’d stay connected to you all day today, that this wouldn’t be the end. That it would just be the beginning of our day together.”

Thank you, Lord, for these children that keep me at Your feet…keep me coming back to You. Keep me seeking You for wisdom, peace, encouragement, and hope. Amen.

Hopeful Expectation

rainbow

But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.
Hebrews 11:6

The Lord keeps whispering this phrase to me, hopeful expectation. He keeps lifting my eyes, my heart, my hope to Him with the promise that He hears, He cares, He protects. Everywhere I look, I see His promise of hopeful expectation.

In the promise of the changing seasons; the shorter days, colder temperatures, breathtaking color, all promising a change to come.

In the promise of sleep; the sun going down, the days activities ending, the weariness and quiet, all promising a time of rest.

In the promise of a rainbow; the sun amidst the gray rain cloud, a pause in the storm, beams of color radiating the sky, all promising a reminder of the Lord’s commitment and beauty.

In the promise of a Holy answer; the stillness of the room, the peace flooding my soul, the quiet whisper to my heart, all promising the Lord’s attention to my prayer.

In the promise of refining; the stirring of my habits, the Word rushing to my mind, the quieting of my mouth, all promising the Lord’s sanctification.

In the promise of growth; the new routines, the developing awareness, the repetition of positive behavior, all promising maturity in my children.

red tree

Hopeful expectation. It’s everywhere. It’s in the look I can give my child in anticipation of her remembering the lesson and choosing what’s good. It’s in the tone when I pray with confidence, knowing the Creator hears. It’s in the conversation with my husband in anticipation of the Lord’s work in his life bringing him closer to Himself.

It’s the way the Lord looks at me. Sinful, selfish, stubborn me. Looking at me faultless. Righteous. Beautiful. Because of the redeeming love of Christ, He sees me with hopeful expectation. Through eyes of grace. Filled with compassion. Layering on the mercy. Hopeful expectation.

Dear one, what situation or person is the Lord stirring you on to look at with hopeful expectation? Have you made the choice to believe, to really believe the Lord rewards those who diligently seek Him? Are you on the fence? Can you, this very day, go to Him and ask Him to reveal His hopeful expectation to you? Oh, I pray, you do. I pray WE do look to Him in hopeful expectation

tree in the sky

 

 

 

SaveSave

Sleep in Peace

I absolutely can not get enough of Psalms right now. The Lord is leading me through each one, verse by verse, revealing more of His heart with each line I dissect.

Here is the understanding the Holy Spirit revealed to me from my study this week from Psalm 4.

Hear me when I call, My Holy God. Deliver me from my trouble; be gracious to me as you hear my prayer.

How long, you people who oppose God, will you turn my honor from God into shame? How long will you love that which is hopeless?

Be assured of the truth that the Lord has chosen for Himself the ones who follow after His heart; when I pray, the Lord hears and delivers. 

Admit that you are angry but do not rebel. Calmly and deeply consider these things when you lie down and do not continue in your rage.

Offer God obedience and praise and place your confidence in Him.

Many are doubtful or are seeking earthly pleasures. But your Gracious Love is truly what we need, O Lord.

You have given me joy and deep contentment, which do not change with circumstances.

I will rest securely on your promises. You alone, O Lord, are sufficient to keep me safe.

In the Psalms I find trust, praise, rejoicing, and unfailing love.

When I lay awake at night with racing thoughts, I find I am in need of trust, praise, rejoicing, and unfailing love.

The soft whir of the fan. The neighbor’s light tinging wind chime. The cat’s footsteps out in the hall. The deep sound of slumber from my husband. None of the night noises were enough to explain my inability to sleep.

But the constant barrage of thoughts could explain my insomnia. Replaying situations. Thinking about upcoming events. Rehearsing necessary conversations.

God’s loving nudge tugged at my heart and my Psalm 4 study time flashed in my mind: I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4: 8. 

I sense the questions coming, “What have I called you to? What have I placed under your care?”

My response? Okay let’s see.

I have two beautiful daughters whom God blessed me with. Sleeping.

There’s the sweet husband the Lord has given me to encourage and help. Sleeping.

There are children in Sunday school and others at our co-op who God has so graciously called me to teach. Sleeping (at least for their parent’s sake, I hope they are!)

There are ministries in which the Lord has both called and equipped me. All currently at rest. 

The Bible clearly states that we each have a calling. And God wants our faith to be active not lazy or hidden. But, He also has appointed times and seasons for us.

Lying in bed at night, He has called me to do none other than rest. Rest in His safety. Rest in His love. Calmly consider Him and TRUST, PRAISE, REJOICE, and mediate on His UNFAILING LOVE.

Thank you, Lord, for rest, sweet rest. You have called me to no more and no less than my particular calling from You. Thank you that I can rest securely on your promises. Amen. 

dumas view

 

 

What I Learned in September

Psalm 25:4-5, Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.

Sept Path

Here we are wrapping up September. This is year 3 of homeschooling for our family and it’s been the smoothest transition thus far. I attribute it to several things. One being that we continued some schoolwork all summer, but never missed anything fun that came up. Two being that it’s year 3 and in my experience year 3 is like a magic year. When I was a public school teacher, I found that year 3 of teaching the same grade level or same curriculum really finally came together for me. And, three, many of the changes we have made to handling discipline in our family, have brought about greater peace for us all. Amen to all of the above!

My Reading this Past Month

  • Goliath Must Fall by Louie Giglio
  • When Parenting Isn’t Perfect by Jim Daly
  • Hinds’ Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard (I try to read this once a year!)

Our Reading this Past Month

  • The Borrowers by Mary Norton
  • What to do When It’s Not Fair by Jacqueline Toner
  • What to do When Mistakes Make You Quake by Jacqueline Toner
  • Story of the World Volume 1 by Susan Wise Bauer

Back to school 2017

1-2-3 Magic (123 Magic)

A very wise counselor shared with me the idea of utilizing the 1-2-3 Magic approach for stopping negative behaviors in my children. Think of any lower level behavior you want to stop: arguing, whining, badgering, and complaining, etc. There are many short youtube videos you can watch to learn more about this approach.

Here is how we are using it and finding it successful in our family:

First I set up the plan with the kids. I explained to the kids that we have been allowing behaviors such as arguing and complaining to ruin perfectly good days for us. We want to deal with the behaviors in a quicker way so that we can get back toward whatever God has called us to for that day. I told them that if they argue (complain, whine, badger), I will say, “That’s 1” and hold up 1 finger. They have a choice to make. Stop or continue. If they continue, I will say, “That’s 2” and hold up 2 fingers. If they choose to continue, I will say, “That’s 3” hold up 3 fingers and say (as unemotionally as possible), “It’s time for a break.” I will designate a spot for a break and tell them I will let them know when break is over (5-10) minutes.

After the first explanation of this plan, one little darling almost immediately thought she would test it out! Okay, here we go! Help me, Lord!

Darling child, “Can I have a snack?”

Mom, “No, it’s 30 minutes until dinner.”

Sweet, darling child, “But, I am HUNGRY. I haven’t eaten for 10 minutes! Why can’t I have a snack?”

Mom, “It’s 30 minutes until dinner. And, that’s 1,” holding up 1 finger.

Dear, sweet, darling child, “But, I am so hungry! Why can’t you tell me why?”

Mom, “That’s 2,” holding up 2 fingers.

Lovely, dear, sweet, darling, child, “Oh great! So you can’t even tell me why!? I just want a snack!”

Mom, “That’s 3, time for a break. Please go sit on the stairs. I will tell you when break is over.”

Precious, lovely, dear, sweet, darling, child, “Why did you have to talk to that counselor!” stomping off to the stairs.

I am not worrying about the behavior on the way to the stairs because my goal is to quickly and unemotionally stop the badgering and to reset. We are doing that by taking a break.

I set a timer for 10 minutes and then call to the child, “Break is over.” I wasn’t sure what to expect, but the child returned in a pleasant mood, ready to find something to do until dinner.

Flash forward to the next morning. Darling child, “Can I make pancakes for breakfast?”

Mom, “That sounds good, but we have to leave in one hour so there just isn’t time today.”

Sweet, darling child, “But, why can’t I make pancakes?”

Mom, “We are leaving soon. And, that’s 1,” holding up 1 finger

Child sulks off grumbling something under her breath, all the while developing self-control.  We move on with our day.

For more serious infractions such as physically hurting someone, damaging property, or aggression, you go straight to 3 and the child takes a break. Usually a more serious infraction also involves some sort of restitution in our house…fixing what they broke, mending the relationship, doing something physical to get the aggressive behavior out appropriately.

Be Your Own Health Advocate

At age 25, when I first became ill with an ultra rare disease, aHUS (atypical Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome), doctors had little idea of what was going on or what to do about it. And, I didn’t know that when a doctor said, “Let’s try XYZ to treat you,” I should say, “Why? Explain this to me.”

I didn’t realize the doctor was not my boss. The doctor is not all-knowing. And my life is not in the doctor’s hands.

In a healthy patient/doctor relationship, the patient is free to ask questions, seek clarification, share about their own research, and discuss concerns. If a doctor does not accept this from you as the patient, you should strongly consider finding a different doctor.

I have had a few wonderful doctors over the years. Besides accepting questions and thoroughly listening to me, the wonderful ones are those that admit when they don’t know something and then they seek to learn.

What about you? What did you learn this month? Is that a tough question to answer? Don’t worry! God has an answer for that. James, 1:5 says, If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

Need wisdom? Need to learn something? Need to see a breakthrough in a certain situation in your life? Need greater understanding?

ASK GOD, the one who gives it to you liberally!